I Was Raptured

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BIZARRO is brought to you today by Signs of the Times.

I meant to blog yesterday, but I couldn’t find the Internet connections here in Heaven until this morning. Yes, I was raptured on Saturday night, as predicted by Christian loose-cannon, Harold Camping. I know I posted Sunday saying I wasn’t but truth be told, I prepared that blog post on Saturday morning and scheduled it to be posted at midnight because I was going out of town for the weekend. I had no idea how far out of town I would end up.

I’ve heard from other folks up here that almost no one else was raptured on Saturday night and that most of you back on Earth think the whole thing was a joke. Wow. I can fully understand your point of view but all I can say is that things aren’t always as they appear. What follows is what happened to me.

On Saturday morning, I rode my motorcycle up to Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary, where CHNW was already waiting and a big group of our friends were gathering for a big birthday party that night. The party was fun: big bonfire, lots of food, music, beer, karaoke, the usual accoutrements. I was not keeping track of the time but at some point that evening, just after dark, I was suddenly whisked up into the sky. Shocked and bewildered, I found myself standing in a brightly lit area of indefinable space. I say I was standing, but it was more like effortlessly floating in place. I was naked, but I didn’t mind because my body was incredibly awesome, like Matthew McConaughey’s but without the pompous, arrogant head on top. Gathered around me were Adam and Eve (also naked and they looked GREAT for their age. Eve is a BABE!), Noah, Moses, Jesus,  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Superman, Batman and all of my favorite super heroes from childhood, and Gazoo from The Flintstones. Notably absent were any of my dead friends or relatives and anyone from Harold Camping’s posse.

My first question was, “Where’s God?” To which everyone answered in unison, “In your head, just like he always was.” I found this comforting.

Heaven has Internet and art supplies, of course (would it be Heaven without them?) so I’ll be able to keep publishing cartoons and posting blogs about them. I hope you’ll tune in often to see what I’m up to.

Bizarro cartoons on lots of useful products can be found here.

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17 thoughts on “I Was Raptured

  1. No way, you too?!? Where are you? I’m floating over by the buffet table, which is covered with all manner of ambrosia and sweetmeats and whatnot (all vegan, of course – duh!). I’m texting this while chatting with Liza Minnelli and Plato. Oh, and you’ll recognize me because I look like Doc Savage.

  2. ooh dan my man,… you got my mind racing brother! ;) here’s something i shared recently with a couple of friends (ocd is a marvelous thing sometimes, eh!? *wink*). with all this god/rapture talk, it was inevitable that i would bring this stuff up at some point, and well, here it is! ;) quick background though; i did the sunday school thang as a wee child for a wee bit (it was fun “wee!!”), then questioned why i should feel guilty for doing naughty things when i was in my teens, if indeed what we were dealing with was an all loving god (forgiving, etc.), then in my 20s i would get angry (because i was so confused [fear of the unknown]) waving my fist in the air whilst driving by churches (with overcrowded parking lots) on sunday mornings muttering things such as “y’bunch of brainwashed fools!!”, and then in my early-mid 30s i began to realize that religion and spirituality are not necessarily one in the same, although many people believe that they are,… and now (in my late 30s) i’m closer to seeing the light (without having to leave my body [except for those few occasions where i’ve astral projected]). here are my thoughts; please bare with me, ahem, bear with me. :P

    this had me thinking about the research i’ve been doing on religion these past few years,… which was more so waking up to the greater reality of it all,… experiencing spirituality (outside of religious dogma). whether you give credence to this or not, it may explain some things for those who have been plagued by questions over the years, and have found themselves breaking up with god as well. http://youtube.com/watch?v=_aRfjyoeJ9I …and this one rocks the boat (ark) a wee bit too, but made perfect sense to me (not being a “religious” person) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWu_u8m_1EM i’m also somewhat of a nerd when it comes to the ancient astronaut theory; i believe that somewhere down the road that the (biblical) stories of an all loving god (uppercase ‘g’ god [the almighty, great spirit, consciousness, the universe, the force,…]) got entangled with stories of the judgmental & vengeful gods (lowercase ‘g’ gods [mortal extra terrestrials, genesis: sons of god {daughters of men},…]) that opened cans of whoop-ass once they realized their genetic manipulation science project did not go according to plan (hence the fire and brimstone, flooding, etc.). http://bibleufo.com thanks for sharing, and giving me the opportunity to do the same (ahem, my two cents worth of preaching). peace, love, and happiness. ~go

    Here’s an amazing painting by one of my favourite artists, Todd Schorr! There’s definitely an ancient astronaut (genetic manipulation [genesis]) theme going on here! Enjoy! ;)

    *A FANCIFUL MISSING LINK HYPOTHESIS*

    © TODD SCHORR http://www.toddschorr.com/

    http://a3.l3-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/34/71644da14f17988106b2e88f9c323944/l.jpg

    Our Curious World

    http://www.ourcuriousworld.com/

    The Greater Reality and Afterlife

    http://www.greaterreality.com/

    Ancient Mayan “Space Vehicle” Reverse Engineered.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-C7XO-QH-s

    ps. more on the genetic manipulation thang (the splicing of ancient earth primates [sasquatch/bigfoot ancestors] & alien dna); good stuff!! ;)

    Human Origins : Intervention Theory by Lloyd Pye 1/8

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNGngZsxAhw

  3. Actually the rapture did happen, most people didn’t notice because, according to Camping, it was a spiritual rapture. The world will still be destroyed on October 21 as predicted, weather permitting.

    I guess it is your spirit that blogs since that part of you is blogging from heaven. I wonder what your body is doing down on earth without you? Maybe putting up rapture billboards.

    • No, that’s the cool thing about the Rapture; your WHOLE BODY goes with you! Camping doesn’t know his Book of Revelations as well as I do, apparently.

  4. I got raptured too, but I don’t see any clouds? Why is so hot here? Why does this horned red guy keep poking me? Why is there only dial-up Internet here?

  5. And how does CHNW feel about: your being Raptured without her (not to mention your leaving the party early without a word to anyone) and your vaguely lascivious observations about Eve?

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