Strolling Monsters

Bizarro 10-12-14 hedrWEBBizarro 10-12-14 WEB(Why won’t you click on these cartoons and look at them larger?)


Bizarro is brought to you today by Sharing Chinese Food.

I have long been an opponent of people assuming that gigantic animals are up to no good. Whether you agree with me or not, or find this gag humorous, let it never be said that I didn’t put a hell of a lot of effort into drawing this cartoon. Whew!



PALEOZARRO: Here’s another angle on why there is more to Godzilla than wanton destruction. If you’d had the childhood he did, you might feel the same way. (After 10 years in NYC, I certainly do.)Bizarro 08-27-06 GodzillaWEB

Crime 11 Awareness Geriatric

bz panel 06-26-14bz strip 06-26-14bz panel 06-27-14bz strip 06-27-14bz panel 06-28-14bz strip 06-28-14Bizarro is brought to you today by House Pets.

What I like most about this armed robbery cartoon is imagining the robber saying all of this very matter-of-factly, the way someone might end a sentence with “yada, yada, yada”. Tons of people have real-life excuses for bad behavior but there is growing evidence that we don’t have nearly as much free choice as we think we do. Many scientists are beginning to suspect that given our specific DNA wiring, we are compelled to make the decisions we make––good, bad, and indifferent––and there is little we can do about it. Our brains simply tell us that this is the best course of action at the moment and we do it, thinking we made a “choice”. This notion is radical and counterintuitive, to say the least, but it might well be true. Oops…there goes another tenet of traditional human religions.








I usually post my Thurs/Fri/Sat cartoons on Saturday, but I got a lot of response from this Nigel Tufnel cartoon today (Friday) so I’m posting early. If you don’t get it, you’re not a fan of “This is Spinal Tap,” the brilliant comedy film by Rob Reiner. One of the all-time best, in my humble opinion. It still holds up today and none other than comedy genius Ricky Gervais cites it as his favorite comedy film. This is very likely where Ricky got the inspiration for the faux-documentary style that he does so well. This cartoon was the brainchild of the incomparable Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay, of course.









And now, a sneak peek at tomorrow’s cartoon. Don’t tell anyone. I’m not supposed to post early so if I get reprimanded, I’m going to claim that I wasn’t aware it was only Friday.










VINTAGE JAZZ PICKLAGE: In keeping with the theme of parodying classic movies and TV, here’s a little something from 1997 that you may find 11-14-97 StarTrekWEB

History Lesson

Bizarro 03-09-14 hdrWEBBizarro 03-09-14 WEB1(Click on any image to biggify it.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Protecting Your Chocolate With Nails.

For centuries, people have thought that the pyramids in Egypt were burial thingies because mummies have been found inside. But archeologists have discovered that this was actually a later adaptation of the pyramids, which were originally built as ski slopes. We now know that aliens (from what is now Mexico) visited Egypt in the -23rd century and sold the local Tut on investing in what they promised would be a huge moneymaker for the region. They taught them how to build pyramids but it took them so long to complete them that the aliens lost interest before they were finished and returned home before giving them the formula for artificial snow. The gigantic construction project cost a fortune and became a huge embarrassment to the local politicians who approved it, so the locals killed them and buried them inside the phony mountains.

On a personal note, those of you who are familiar with my “hidden icons” will notice that this cartoon features the most elaborate “upside-down bird” ever.

BIZARCHEOLOGY: On this same date in 1997, the following cartoon about an innocent shopping mishap appeared in Bizarro. Note that the colors are flat and garish. This was from a time when I could not color my own cartoons on computer but instead, had to designate colors with little numbers that represent CMYK mixes for a printer to fill in. This required a lot of guesswork and I never really knew what it was going to look like until it appeared in papers.Bizarro 03-09-97 Stickup1 I hate the colors but I still really like this gag.

Booty Cast Thug Idea Exam Blur

Bizarro is brought to you today by Grizzly Bear Coin Purse.

You’ve stumbled upon this week’s roundup of Bizarro cartoons. First up is this silly little ditty by my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I love this gag and it makes me realize how much has changed in recent years. Not long ago, women worried about have a large butt. Now, with superstar-mondo-caboose celebs like J-Lo and Kim Kardashian, many women wish their butts were bigger. It’s always nice to have a role model, no matter what your body type, I suppose. Here’s what Wayno has to say about this collaboration.






It is thought to be bad luck to wish someone good luck before they perform, so people wish them the opposite in the form of saying, “Break a leg.” I like to extend that courtesy to others as well, so when I go to a wedding I tell the newlyweds, “Have a painful and expensive divorce,” and at birthdays I usually say something like, “Die before the next one.”Only seems fair.







This is one of those rare cartoons that amuses as well as teaches a lesson: Always rob someone after they’ve been paid.  And for those of you Jazz Pickles who are keeping a scrapbook of secret jokes within my cartoons, notice the hands of the thug in green. Instead of the stereotypical “L-O-V-E  H-A-T-E,” I’ve given it a personalized twist with “L-O-V-E  H-A-T-S.” Which I do.







This cartoon serves as a painful reminder that my hair is getting thinner. I recently went to a very small concert in which I was standing on the front row, near the lead singer. The performance was video taped and since I was close, the back of my head is visible and highlighted a bit by the spotlight on the singer. Watching the video was a rude awakening to see what others see when they stand behind me.









I like this optometrist gag, of which I’ve done many over the years. Can you find all ten of the secret symbols within? The first nine are the easiest. Okay, ten is pretty easy, too.







And the cartoon on the very next day is also about an eye doctor! Just coincidence, really, but if you’re a conspiracy buff, assign whatever elaborate reason you wish. But please share it in the comments; I love a good conspiracy as well as the next guy.

Blurry Superstition Death Paternity Donut Cell Hives

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sheer Luck.

Have you ever felt that the world is suddenly wider and that the rules have changed so that everything you were used to before is now somehow inapplicable and you are starting from scratch? I have had that feeling this week because my blog got incorporated into King Features’ Mighty Network of Cartoonist Blogs and Other Things Designed to Help Cartoonists Make a Living Which is Harder Than You Might Assume. (I don’t think that is the literal name of their new network, but you get the idea.) In other words, the format of my blog changed a little and now the way I post is different and it slows me down. It’s not your problem, of course, I just wanted to vent because you are my only friend. (Yes, you.)

Here are some cartoons from the past week:

My new year’s resolution is 72ppi. Just like last year. What’s yours?













Is anyone afraid that the year 2013 will bring them bad luck? We humans have such a persistent superstitious streak that I’m certain there are. If you find yourself in this unfortunate position, let me set your mind at ease: Bad things will almost certainly happen to you this year, but none of them will have anything to do with the arbitrary numbering system of our calendar. It’s just life as usual in a random, chaotic universe.





Next cartoon: You know those guys with long hair, beard, and robes who carry signs through the streets that say “The End is Near”? Neither do I, but I’ve often seen them in cartoons for some reason so here’s another one. For him, it was true because he dropped dead. Of course, I’m only assuming his sign was going to say that. He died before he finished it; perhaps it was going to say “The End is Neat.”





This next one is a clever cartoon that cross breeds two famous advertising icons: Flabbo the tire guy and Pustule, the baking product boy. This gem came from the mind of my known associate Wayno, who said this about that. In his post he wonders why I changed the name of the magazine from his original “Tread” to my “Tired.” I just thought the double entendre was funny and I always like to add a little something different to a cartoon by a colleague, especially when their original version is so well conceived, as was the case here.




The donut cartoon plays out like this: Old movies often had somebody like Jimmy Cagney saying something like this to a cop, with the word “killed” substituted with for the word “ate,” and peace officers are said to enjoy a lot of donuts while on duty. Combine the two and WHAMMO!, you’ve got comedy.

(Note: These are professionally trained cartoon characters. Do not attempt to eat a pastry possessing arms and legs.)





I must confess that this cartoon about stem cells is my favorite of the week. Not because it is the funniest but because I like the strangeness of it. As you scientists know, stem cells can grow into anything in any animal. You can take a stem cell from the eyeball of an earthworm and put it into a human embryo in the foot department and it will become a foot. To use a term common in the vernacular of geneticists, it’s creepy cool. This dandy idea came from my colleague, Dan McConnell. He is smart and funny.

My last entry today is this big Sunday comic. There are suddenly so many food allergies in America that this cartoon seemed very timely. When I was a kid, nobody knew they could be allergic to peanuts or wheat or whatever, so we just ate what was put in front of us. Now it seems everyone has a food allergy or twelve. I don’t think I have any except that I don’t care for food that does not taste good. Thank goodness they don’t serve tiny packets of cooked spinach on airplanes, or I’d be in real trouble.

I hope you enjoyed today’s offerings and that your year is both new and happy. Stay crunchy, Jazz Pickles.

Thief Boobs Puppet

Bizarro is brought to you today by Career Opportunities.

When did criminals stop wearing those cute little taxi-driver caps, a Lone Ranger mask and a striped, long-sleeved T-shirt? Probably around the time banks stopped printing dollar signs on the sides of their money bags, but if I was going to commit a crime, I would definitely dress that way because people would never guess you were actually a criminal. They’d just think you were going to a costume party or something. Furthermore, if I was in jail and relegated to wearing one of those bright orange jumpsuits that say “PRISONER” or whatever across the back, I’d only escape on Halloween night. You could saunter down the street, even stop and chat with cops, and nobody would suspect a thing. A Halloween parade would be an excellent getaway vehicle. Also for a murderer covered with blood and carrying a chainsaw.

This dandy ditty was a collaboration with the infamous Wayno. He tells his side of the story here.

If you find yourself wanting another cartoon to read, look no further than a half-inch (0.000 012 7 kilometer) to the left of these words. If you’re not from the U.S. and unfamiliar with our incredibly high-class ways, we have an enormous franchise restaurant/sports bar here called “Hooters.” I went to one once back in the 90s because it was the only bar in town playing a particular hockey game that my buddy, Hector, and I wanted to see. I expected it to be awful and I was not disappointed. In fact, I was in awe of how truly awful it was. They had maybe three things on the menu and two beers, both of which are tasteless American swill. But the reason these bars are so popular is that they hire as waitpersons young, female hotties with ample, upward-pointing udders and dress them in super tight terrycloth hotpants and tiny tanktops. I’m not against scantily clad hotties per se, but they are not enough to get me to put up with lousy food and crappy beer. Though the Hooters logo has an owl in it, the obvious reference of the name is bosoms. I guess some people call women’s breasts “hooters,” though I have always preferred my own nickname, “Schlammenfloobers.”

I would now like to direct your attention to the third cartoon in this post. “Talk to the hand,” is a common expression in the U.S. (I’ve no idea if it has escaped to other cultures or countries, if so, my apologies) and it means that you are tired of talking to someone. The actual gesture that goes with this phrase is to hold your hand up flat with your palm toward the other person, as if you were telling them to stop. I suppose the idea is that you are no longer listening, so if they keep talking they’ll just be talking to the “stop” hand. This seems ridiculous because unless your arm is more than 100 yards long (91.44 meters for my readers in Canada and Europe, .0.018 939 355 888 leagues for those of you at the bottom of the sea,) you’re probably still going to be able to hear what they say. A single hand is not a terribly good sound damper unless you place it over your ear and cannot hear out of the other. Just my two cents.

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For more cartoons and thoughts from the inside of my head, come back here in a day or so.


Prisoner of Humor

Bizarro is brought to you today by Wayno.

Here is Day Two of Wayno’s week-long commandeering of Bizarro.If you missed the story behind my having a Guest Cartoonist this week, read this previous post.

I love the wordplay here and enjoy anything that skewers high fashion. The fact that a given fashion “designer” can cover an object with their own ugly logo and millions of robotic humans will mistake it for attractive has long been a mystery to me. I don’t carry a purse, but if I did, I’d go for something more like the one in this cartoon, or this one.

Which brings to my mind the subject of prison outfits. They used to be striped, presumably so that if they escaped, you could spot them easily. This system was devised at a time when everyone wore “normal” clothing. Nowadays, no matter what you put prisoners in, you could not immediately pick them out of a crowd.

And what of this road sign, seen on American highways near prisons? When I see these things I wonder what the proper course of action is if I should see a hitchhiker. Should I drive past the hitchhiker because he might be an escaping inmate? Swerve and hit him, thus helping out the local authorities? Or should I pick him up in case he is escaping inmates who are chasing him. What would you do?

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